Declaration of Great Breakfast Taco War of 2016

I am speaking to you today to congratulate you on your service to my city. But I come to you this bright morning with grave news. The City of Austin is currently at war with San Antonio over a subject I know we all hold dear to our hearts, and that of course is breakfast tacos.

Austin reinvented country music with Willie Nelson. We reinvented grocery stores with Whole Foods. We reinvented dinner-and-a-movie with the Alamo Drafthouse. And a UT student, for crying out loud, reinvented the assembly line in a dorm room in what became Dell Computers. So Austin might not have invented breakfast tacos, but by God Austin made breakfast tacos even better!

A member of my staff in the Mayor’s office, Sly Magid, was for two and a half years a member of the Cowboys, the group that shoots off the canon. He was also the chair of this event for this event two years in a row from 2003 to 2004. So I believe that qualifies me, at the very least, to shoot this canon right here at the City of San Antonio.

No? OK, then. Very well!

To the 1,500 students today who are giving up a perfectly good day to work on 85 projects at 17 sites around this fair city, you have the admiration and gratitude of your mayor.

Some may look out at all of you and see 1,500 shining examples of volunteerism and virtue. But I see something even greater. I see an army in our war with San Antonio.

As your Commander-in-Chief in the breakfast taco war, it is my solemn duty to inform you that after you have selflessly given of yourselves I will be drafting you into the Great Breakfast Taco War of 2016! What starts here today will change Austin for the better, but it will change San Antonio in ways they can scarcely imagine and are afraid to contemplate. We march to San Antonio at dawn, right after we get some tacos!